50 Shades of Contradiction – Episode 1

Happy Valentine's Day! It's time for romance. And what says romance today better than a romantic movie, right?

The film 50 Shades of Grey is out now, and over 200 million women have digested the entire Shades of Grey trilogy of novels, some multiple times over. (Full Disclosure: I’ve read the series already, as well.) And now…I’m completely confused about what women want sexually.

Henceforth, I’ll never date – much less have sex – with women EVER again.

Like I said, I read the novels. I get it. Anastasia Steele loves Christian Grey wholly and completely, and he’s the only guy who can unlock her heart…and unleash her climaxes.

Christian Grey is worldly, masculine, assertive, immeasurably wealthy, powerful, and drop-dead sexy. He’s also manipulative, controlling, domineering, and he loves to convey his love through erotic torment and varying levels of sadistic torture. Yet, he’s still the man that nearly every woman who reads the Fifty Shades novels desperately fantasizes about and wants for her own. Or rather, wants to be owned by.

As for me, I was raised for many years in a single-parent household by an independent-minded mother who taught me to respect women and treat them with dignity and appreciation, as well as treat them as completely equal partners in a relationship.

I’ve become the sort of man that my Mom would be proud of. And yet, I still can’t hold a candle to Christian Grey.

*shrugging* Do you see why I’m giving up?

Face it. I’m doomed with the ladies with that sort of expectation. I don’t think there’s enough drugs or alcohol in the world to screw up my mind enough to become anyone who’s even remotely like Christian Grey. (He's more like 50 Shades of Victims Protective Orders, if you ask me. Just sayin'.)

Sorry, Mom…you obviously had it wrong. The women of today’s world have spoken, and it’s Christian Grey who wins the rose on the present-day Bachelorette shows.

I never claimed to know precisely what women wanted, but I’d always considered it might have something to do with a stable, safe partner who not only loved them, but valued and cherished them, as well as placed them on a wholly equal footing in the relationship. But now, if the millions of box office tickets and 50 Shades novels being sold are any reflection of reality with women and what they actually want from their men, then I realize that I’m obviously not anywhere near what women are REALLY wanting. And worse yet, I’m definitely not in the same league with a Christian Grey; not even close. And I’m not just referring to the fact that I’m not filthy rich, either.

Okay, so instead of roses, a sweet bottle of wine, some hot kissing, and perhaps a relaxing legs and feet massage, women really want a guy wearing a worn pair of denim jeans who has a zealous expertise with plastic zip ties, nipple clamps, and a host of various-sized leather flogs? Oh, yeah…and don’t forget those silver Inner Goddess Ben Wa Pleasure Balls. (And I thought kangaroos already had it rough carrying things in THEIR pouches!)

Don’t get me wrong…I’m a firm believer that kinky can be both fun and refreshing in any healthy sexual relationship. Tie me up and spank me tonight and I’ll trade off with you tomorrow night. But a 50 Shades of Christian Grey sort of fun and refreshing? Nah, that’s way outside what I thought was supposed to be emotionally and physically safe. Oh, sure, Anastasia used a safe word. But what about the years of therapy that might be needed when that form of romance gets old? I mean, how are you supposed to raise the bar from a Christian Grey fun-time without actually killing someone? Geez!

Yep, I suppose that I’ll never make the cut for that major league franchise form of sexual fulfillment. Count me out, ladies. Enjoy the Christian Greys of the world, my dears. Instead, I’m off to join the nearest chapter of the Benedictine Monks. There’s obviously no more action with the ladies destined for me, I suppose. I won’t pretend that I stand a chance against the Christian Greys.

Probably for the best, really. Besides, I could learn to like chanting. Maybe I’ll even be on the Monks’ next album release.

Hey, are the Benedictine Monks on iTunes?